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Are You Assertive or Aggressive?

By Jamie Walters, reprinted with permission

Some people think assertiveness is aggression—a verbal attack (or worse) on another person. Others think they're being assertive, when in fact they're being rude or overbearing. Multiple surveys show that skill in interpersonal communication tops the list for success—or failure—in any workplace, whether you own it, lead it or work in it.

Skillful assertiveness

Skillful assertiveness goes hand-in-hand with a person's confidence, good judgement, decision-making, performance, health and overall effectiveness. From a business perspective, an assertive employee or leader can help:

reduce confusion and inefficiencies caused by misunderstandings and crossed wires;

clearly communicate one's vision and goals;

motivate others to rally around an idea or program; or

eliminate the meetings, tough decisions and back-pedaling that result from someone's original intention to "keep the peace" rather than be assertive.

Personally, assertiveness can help strengthen relationships, reduce stress, improve your self-image and increase one's ability to succeed.So why isn't everyone assertive? People cite fear of reprisals, a desire to "not rock the boat", aiming to please others, and low confidence as reasons why they are not assertive. While it takes honest self-awareness and hard work to realize why you are not assertive, there are some day-to-day tools you can practice and apply to your interactions to become more assertive.

Practical tips for being assertive

Realize that your mindset matters—In situations where you feel you are not speaking your mind, ask yourself "why?" and then ask, "What's the worst thing that could happen if I share my thoughts in a civil, clear manner?" The answers to these questions may very well be all you need to calm down and act from a place of assertiveness. Very often, people will see how silly their fears are, and that the fears are rooted in their minds, not reality.

Let your intentions motivate your response—Allow yourself to take a moment and identify your beliefs, opinions and intentions for sharing a thought. The desire to please other first often gets in the way of a person's thinking process and opinion-formation.

Be specific—Don't say, "We need that ASAP." Instead say, "I need the proposal finished and on my desk by 8 a.m. Friday. What do you need to accomplish that?" Any time you can avoid assumptions or mixed messages, the better.

Don't feign agreement—Don't substitute smiling, nodding or adopting other body language that suggests agreement just for the sake of "keeping the peace". Disagree actively, but do it in a civil manner! Express disagreement with the idea, not the person, e.g. "I have another opinion, but I'd like to throw it on the table."

Ask for clarification—Request more information when asked to do something you believe is unreasonable. Perhaps the explanation will help you understand the request more fully, and give you the confidence and assurance to say "yes" or "no."

Connect your statements with a specific behavior, not the person—This will help reduce your stress around the discussion and will help avoid any negative reactions from the other person. For instance, say, "I think the idea is weak because…" instead of "I think you're crazy for presenting that idea."

Use "I" phrases—Own your message instead of shirking responsibility or blaming others. For example say, "I need you to submit your report to me today." versus "We need that report today" or worse, "the report is needed today."

Be direct—Deliver your message to the person for whom it was intended, no on else. Make your statement in short, easy-to-understand sentences to avoid unclear statements. Do not apologize for or overly justify your statement; but do explain it, if needed.

Prepare—If you feel the discussion will be a confrontation, prepare for the best, middle and worst-case scenarios, including how you'll respond in each instance. This preparation will help build your confidence in your ability to handle any reaction, and increase your belief in your statement. Even if you don't expect a confrontation, it's a good idea to think through possible scenarios, then ensure a few minutes to center yourself before any interaction with others.

Don't make assumptions—Don't assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling, about what her motives are, or about how she might react. This mindset will only build stress, which decreases assertiveness. Remember, nothing has happened yet! Check things out with the other person to find out what she's thinking, and ask probing followup questions to ensure you and your conversation-mates have a similar understanding.

Watch your body language—"I need the proposal on my desk at 8:00 a.m. Friday" is assertive, but your body language and voice tone can make it seem aggressive or casual. Check your other body language for things that might convey aggression, indirectness or lack of self assurance (i.e., hand over mouth or shuffling feet). Watch your voice tone and inflection, making sure that it is neither a whisper nor a shout.

Say "no" when you mean "no"—Many of us avoid saying no because we don't want to seem harsh, rude or uncooperative. Explain why you are refusing, but don't be overly apologetic. When appropriate, offer the other person an alternative course of action. Give as prompt and brief a reply as you can, without interruptions, for example, "I like to be a team player, but my schedule won't allow that. I'd be happy to pass along a copy of my notes, though." or "I appreciate you asking, but no thanks."

Build your foundation—If you're stressed out or rushed, you're going to be much more likely to over-react or communicate poorly (causing others to over-react). Browse other resources in Ivy Sea's IntraPersonal & Mindset Mastery section for a few ideas on putting yourself on solid ground-the best place from which you communicate!

— © Copyright Jamie Walters, Founder, Ivy Sea, Inc., reprinted with permission