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Reviewing the Fabric of Your Life

By Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

Just as Growth at the Margins uses the idea of a seashell to describes how the patterns of your life are formed, this piece uses the familiar concept of weaving. Here you are asked to imagine the fabric of your life is an intangible work of art you've created day after day, row upon row, until a pattern has emerged that reflects your own special contribution to the quilt of humanity.

In understanding how the loom of life operates, imagine you have no control over the long vertical threads, the warp, that are firmly attached to the loom. They represent your genetic makeup, the era in which you were born and the standards of the culture in which you were raised. As much as you may wish you were better looking, taller or shorter, born into a wealthy family or even into a different century, you have no control over the color or density of these threads. They were chosen for you by others, by luck, by fate, by God, or whatever you believe is behind such choices.

The basic design in your life's fabric is created as you work the pedals that represent opportunities and circumstances that have come your way. Actually, these pedals are only partly under your control. That is because you help create some opportunities, but not all. Your decision to attend college, pursue a particular career or to live in a certain place, will create opportunities you would not have otherwise. But while you can set in motion some circumstances, others, like an accident caused by a reckless driver running a red light, are beyond your control.

Nevertheless, you do have a great deal of control over the shuttle that pulls threads back and forth through the warp. The colors and textures of these threads reflect the choices you make in response to what life has to offer. Some of your decisions are made with great deliberation. You choose those colors with great care. Others don't take much thought at all because they come very naturally and are the choices that stem from your temperament, those inborn personality traits that help determine the way you respond to your environment. In fact, because of your particular temperament you will have a great preference for some colors and an aversion to others. Consequently, your fabric will look not at all like anyone else's.

Note: Eventually this will become an article, but it is now in the form of an imagery script or exercise. And as with all the imagery scripts on this website, you can use this in several different ways. First, simply read it as you would read any article, with the purpose of learning something and exploring how that might apply to you. On the other hand, you may want to get into the piece more deeply by reading it several times to yourself, pausing when you come to breaks identified by three periods (. . .) in order to have time to experience that section in whatever way feels comfortable to you.

Or, you can try to experience it as a regular imagery exercise is usually done, that is, first read it into a tape player (or have a friend or family member read it for you) and then, as you listen to it, close your eyes and follow along in whatever way feels right to you. To learn more about the technique of imagery, I suggest you first read Using Imagery Scripts. You might even want to take our Imagery Classes, which are easy to do at your own pace and can teach you about this effective technique for gaining insight into who you are.

To explore how you have woven a very special fabric, begin by allowing yourself to relax and your body to feel fully supported. . . . Gently close your eyes and allow any tension or discomfort to flow down your spine, into the furniture and then into the ground. . . . And when your muscles are very loose and very limp, let them relax even more. Continuing to relax and yet remaining alert, follow this analogy of the fabric of life in whatever way is right for you. . . .

Begin by appreciating the role your temperament has played. Like all of us, you react to things somewhat differently from your friends, acquaintances and even members of your family. In fact, some of your basic characteristics may be those that your parents claim you've expressed almost from the day you were born. They may have said something like, "You've always been a talker, chattering away and wanting to be with people," or "You've always been shy and preferred your own company to that of others." Perhaps you, yourself, have always been aware of a trait that seemed second nature. Take a moment now and notice what is your most outstanding temperament trait. . . . How has that helped you in the past? . . . How does that help you today? . . .

Over a period of years, the designs you have woven have included parts of many different events and encounters, from family vacations to special teachers, from prosperity and happiness to illness and suffering. Each day you did the best you could and the result is a piece of material with colors bright and subdued, bold and soft and a texture that is both rough and smooth, thin and dense.

Now it's time to look at a few examples of those events that helped you create a fabric of life that cannot be the same as anyone else's. Begin by looking at holidays, for even though you may have observed the same ones your neighbors did, some of the small rituals you used in the celebration of those holidays were unique to your family. And so remember now one particular holiday that stands out for you as a very special time. Remember the people who were there, the food that was served, the atmosphere created by this special event. Re-experience what happened as fully as you can, enjoying today the pleasure you had then. . .

Continuing with the theme of special occasions, remember a favorite gift you received for a holiday or birthday. It may have been made just for you, so that no one else in the whole world would have one exactly like it, or it may simply have been a gift that meant a great deal to you. Take a moment and remember what it was like to get something special. . . .

And now, recall a gift you gave. It may have been something you made with your own hands or you may have taken care in selecting the perfect thing another person would love to receive. Out of all the gifts you have given, which one would you most like to remember today? . . . .

Now we all spend our leisure time doing different things. Some people like classical music, others enjoy a rock band. From dancing to water skiing, you can choose from a multitude of activities for recreation and relaxation. Take a moment now and recall one thing you like to do just for the sheer joy of it and re-experience the pleasure of doing it. . . .

Letting that memory fade, now recall a time you accomplished something that meant a great deal to you. It could be an object you created with your hands or it could be an achievement such as winning a contest at school, getting a promotion, climbing a mountain, finishing a project that required a great deal of work. Take a moment and remember a time when you were proud of what you did or what you made. . . .

And now turn your attention to how you have cared for your body. You certainly had no control over the genes you inherited, but you do have control over whether or not you eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. Take a moment to notice what you have done for your body that has made the fabric of your life strong and healthy, and as you remember, experience a feeling of physical well-being. . . .

Moving now to your relationships with other people, recall a particular friend or loved one and remember one thing you and that person did that made your relationship and your life special. . . .

Finally, turn your attention to a way in which you have made the world a better place because you've lived on this earth. Recall one thing you've done that helped others. . .

And now step back from these separate events and get a sense of your entire life. You might want to imagine that you have unrolled the fabric of your life like a bolt of cloth and have spread it out in front of you. In fact, you may even imagine you can see and touch this fabric. Or you may just get a sense of how wonderfully your life has evolved because of who you are, what has happened to you and how you have responded to the challenges sent your way.

You cannot change a single thing in this fabric. What has happened is over and done with. There is no way to alter the past. At the time something happened, at the time each section of your life was being woven, you responded the best way you knew how. And as you learned what life had to teach, you created new designs, new patterns. In fact, if you could not change, you would have kept repeating all your mistakes over and over again. From beginning to end the designs in your fabric would be the same-and they would be of an inferior quality. And so, allow yourself now to truly appreciate the varied colors, the many strengths and lessons that the fabric represents. . . .

If you could display the marvelous tapestry of your life, where would you put it so that others could see how special you are and you could be reminded of how rich your life has been? Or if you could create a special garment from this fabric, would you wear it with pride like African kinte cloth, distinctive Scottish plaids and royal purple robes-declaring you are glad to be who you are? Take a moment and image what you would do with the material that has come off the loom of your life, if only you could. . . . Because you don't have an actual fabric of life, you unfortunately can't really hang it someplace or wear it. But you can substitute something else for it. And so take a moment now to think about a fabric that would describe your most positive qualities and the colors and design that best represent who you are. . . . When this exercise is over, you might want to purchase or make something from a special cloth in this color that would remind you of an especially important part of your life.

And now, because you continue to weave at your loom as long as live, consider whether you want your life to remain as it is or to change in some way. For example, from now on would you like to live with greater awareness, so your choices can create more vibrant patterns, ones you have consciously chosen? Have you been meaning to regularly take time for relaxation and quiet meditation? Is there a language you want to learn or a class you want to take? And is there something you have been afraid to do, but now want to risk doing because you don't want a dull and flat fabric of your life but one that has sparkle and richness? Take a moment to reflect on how you want your life to change in some way. . . .

As we come to the end of this exercise, notice once again that the fabric created by your loom cannot possibly be the same as that created by the loom of anyone else. Even if you had an identical twin, some things would have happened to you that didn't happen to your twin. You have seen life with different eyes. You are a unique human being who has created a unique fabric. And if you tend to compare yourself unfavorably to an ideal, remember that you never see the entire fabric of anyone else's life. If you could, you would discover many rough spots and many hidden mistakes. No one is without flaws.

And now turn your attention back to the room you are in, bringing with you whatever is important for you to remember from this exercise. . . . And now take an energizing breath, . . . stretch your arms and legs, . . . and gently open your eyes, coming back to full alertness, proud of the fabric of life you have woven.

© Copyright 1997, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT