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Surviving Your Child's Suicide

Reprinted with permission of The Compassionate Friends

About Suicide

The suicide of a child presents unique circumstances that intensify and prolong the parent's mourning. Suicide is a reaction to overwhelming feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness and depression. It occurs when a person's pain exceeds his resources and his ability to cope. It is the third leading cause of death for people 15 to 24 years of age and is the sixth leading cause of death for children 5 to 14.

Although the incidence of suicide is very high in certain types of mental illness, not everyone who completes suicide is mentally ill. Many parents have endured the frustration created by years of hospitalizations, medications and blame. Others encountered brief periods of conflict or worry, while some experienced none at all.

Sometimes there are warning signs of the person's intentions. However, the clues may have been disguised or coded so that even a trained counselor might have missed them. Occasionally there are no discernible signs, and the child's catastrophic decision becomes an enigma that cannot be resolved.

After Suicide

Denial and feelings of shock, guilt, anger and depression are part of the normal grief reactions but are heightened when a child has died by suicide. It is not unusual to experience feelings of relief if the relationship with the child was destructive for the family.

The suicide of one's child raises painful questions, doubts and fears. The knowledge that your love was not enough to save your child and the fear that others will judge you to be an unfit parent, may raise powerful feelings of failure. Realize that as a parent you gave your child your humanness - your positives and negatives - and that what your child did with them was primarily your child's decision.

It is not uncommon for bereaved parents to have suicidal thoughts. Suicide is not inherited; however, the suicide of a family member can have a profound influence on others in the family. Be patient with yourself and them, and seek professional help and family counseling if necessary.

Cultural and religious interpretations of an earlier day are responsible for the stigma associated with suicide. It is important that you confront the word suicide, difficult as it may be. Keeping the cause of death a secret will deprive you of the joy of speaking about your child and may isolate you from family and friends who want to support you. Rather than being concerned about the stigma surrounding suicide, concentrate on your own healing and survival. Many parents prefer to use the phrase "completed suicide" rather than the harsh "committed suicide" when speaking about their child.

Anger

You may feel anger at the child, God, the world and at yourself for your inability to save your child. It's OK to express it. Anger is a common emotion when a child has died by suicide, and sometimes healing cannot begin until that anger is confronted and expressed.

Guilt

Feelings of guilt may surface, and "if only" is a phrase you may find yourself repeating frequently. You may need to feel guilty for a while to know that you are not responsible. Sometimes you need to go through a feeling to get beyond it. Believe in yourself. You are human - accept your limitations.

Questioning

There is a need to ask "Why?" The question should be asked although often there are no clear answers. It is important to struggle with the questions, and eventually you will be able to let them go. To continue to ask "why" for years can become an obsession, which would be more destructive to you and those around you.

Depression

Listlessness, inability to concentrate and the feeling that you have nothing to live for are all normal reactions in bereavement. Moderate physical activity can be a means of combating depression. Allow family and friends to take care of you. You don't have to be strong. Maintain contact with persons you value.

Disillusionment

Often parents find themselves in a spiritual crisis and question their beliefs or feel betrayed by God. Religious concerns about the hereafter also surface. "Why did God let this happen?" is a question we can no more answer than all other questions about imperfections in this world. Try to pray for inner peace instead of an answer. It may be helpful to talk with other parents who have experienced a suicide as to their feelings regarding spiritual or philosophical questions. For those with concerns of a spiritual nature, do try to find a gentle., nonjudgmental member of your faith, and open yourself to that person.

Coping constructively

As a family, talk about the death to each other; talk about your loss and your pain. Talk about the good times you remember as well as the not so good. All family members will be grieving in their own manner. Try to understand this. It is better to express feelings rather than to internalize them; crying is healthy and therapeutic.

It may be helpful to write out your feelings or to write a letter to your dead child, expressing all the things you were not able to say before the death. For many, it is a good way to say goodbye.

Let friends help. When they ask what they can do for you, don't be afraid to tell them of your needs and what will help you. It will also help them.

It may be beneficial to become involved with a mutual-help group, such as The Compassionate Friends. Through sharing with others who have walked the same path, you may gain understanding of your reactions and learn ways to cope. Seek professional help and family counseling if necessary.

Give yourself time - time - and more time. It takes months, even years, to open your heart and mind to healing. Choose to survive, give yourself time, and you will heal.

—© Copyright 2000 by The Compassionate Friends, reprinted with permission.

The Compassionate Friends has chapters in Canada, Great Britain, the United States and other countries throughout the world. Chapters are open to all bereaved parents, siblings, grandparents and other family members who are grieving the death of a child of any age, from any cause.