Making Daily Life Easier

By Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

Turning Down the Heat

You've probably heard about the poor frog who sits contentedly in a pan of water that is very, very slowly heating on the stove. He very, very slowly adjusts, rather than jumping out before the water boils, thus giving us frog leg soup—and a cautionary tale.

If you are taking care of a loved one who has a serious illness like cancer, Alzheimer's, or stroke and you are told that person is likely to die sooner rather than later, you may find yourself in similar circumstances. The pressure begins when you have to deal with the diagnosis itself and the realization that life will never be the same. Then there are the seemingly endless visits to doctors, clinics and hospitals, each of which entails a lot of waiting. When you add in the usual shopping, cooking and cleaning (plus a job if you aren't yet retired!), the pressure can very slowly (and sometimes not so slowly) rise until you reach the breaking point.

However, while there is a great deal in your situation about which you can't do anything, you can control one important aspect of your life more than you might realize—these are the chores that constantly demand your attention. When you do so, you can keep the heat turned down to the greatest extent possible.

Controlling Your "To Do List"

If you didn't keep lists before you became a caregiver, you have probably started by now. But if you feel overwhelmed by too many jobs that never get crossed off, here are three suggestions for keeping your list—and your daily life—less complicated.

Before you put ANY item on your list of things to do, ask yourself an essential question. Is this job necessary and, if it is, should I be the one doing it?

If the chore isn't necessary, DON'T DO IT! It may be tempting to feel that if YOU pick up a larger load than you can carry, you will balance the inability of your loved one to do HIS share. But picking up your partner's pack and adding it to the one you already carry is like deliberately turning up the heat yourself. Doing a job that someone else can do, and is willing to do, only puts you in competition for martyr of the year award. And you'd be surprised how many people are really willing to help if they only knew what you wanted done.

Plan one week at a time.

If you keep all the jobs you need to do on one list, you probably look at the list every day, expecting it will tell you which ones you should tackle. But, like many of us, there's a good chance you won't select the jobs you don't like doing. They'll remain undone and you'll feel guilty whenever you glance at the list.

But you can avoid that guilt if you lay out the week in advance. Decide what jobs can be reasonably expected to fit within that week and what jobs will have to wait. Next, make short daily lists of only those jobs you can reasonably expect to get done in one day. Then only look at one day's list at a time. This way, you will know that the chores you don't like will be taken care of—at some time in the future. Since you're not looking at a long list of unfinished tasks, you will be less likely to carry on your shoulders the burden of unfinished tasks.

Schedule chores that fall into different categories for a specific day of the week.

This is especially good for those jobs you keep putting off but which you, alone, have to do. For example, set aside every Thursday as the day you will pay bills, write letters, and work on those small "desk jobs" that are frequently put on a pile and shoved to the side. When Thursday comes, you finish those that have to be done this week and put the rest back on the pile for next week. Don't let anything but an emergency keep you from doing it.

When you're finished, you'll feel virtuous for having completed at least some of these tasks. Forget about the ones you didn't do. You'll have an opportunity to get to them next week.

By scheduling a reasonable number of chores and activities each week and by only looking at short daily lists, you can better live by that stress-reducing maxim of "one day at a time."

Of course, unexpected problems are bound to crop up from day to day, but being able to set out the week in advance gives you a greater chance to maintain a semblance of order and balance in your life.

Getting Help

When you shorten your "to do list" by removing those jobs that don't need doing, there will still be errands and chores that must be attended to, but which you don't have time or energy to do. These you can delegate.

Easy delegating can begin, believe it or not, with another list. This is one on which you write down the names and phone numbers of all the friends and relatives who've said, "Just let me know how I can help." When you need someone to do a job (from shopping to trimming the rose bushes), pull out the list and ask for help.

In addition to people you already know, there are others waiting in the wings to relieve some of the pressure of daily life, for example:

Low-cost and free dial-a-ride transportation services are offered in many communities for individuals who can't get around easily.

Use "meals on wheels" meal delivery services for part of every week.

Use a pharmacist that delivers free of charge.

You can call your local American Cancer Society or your local church or synagogue to find volunteers who can drive patients to their doctor for treatment or come and give you a hand in your house.

Your local community college and high school may have a program that is designed to give credit to students who do volunteer work or want to learn about caring for sick and/or elderly as part of their studies.

You have enough problems to deal with in your life. You don't need to add the burden of taking on tasks that can be done by others. Not only will asking for help be good for you. You will make that other person very happy. It feels good to know that what we do makes a real difference in someone else's life.

And finally, here's one last piece of advice. It has to do with the reality that dealing effectively with any illness requires a lot of information. Getting that information requires time, effort and persistence—beginning with phone calls to places that answer with a disembodied voice asking you to choose from a long menu of numbers to push on your phone before you hear another voice telling you to leave a message. If you push the "O" for operator, you are more likely to get a live person who can direct you to the department that will help you and then to get your questions answered.

© Copyright 1997, Revised 2002, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT