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Self-compassion as a Characteristic of Spirituality

From "Self-compassion: Secret to Spiritual Success" by Martia Nelson

We all know what it's like to want to improve ourselves. We want to be more spiritually evolved, more enlightened. We want to be more loving and patient. To be healed of our childhood wounds. To be better parents, or better people. And there are situations in our outer lives we wish would improve, too. We want a job doing something we love, something that makes our heart sing and our soul soar. We want more money so we can feel safe and supported and free. We want a relationship with a true partner, a soul mate who will help us open to our full capacity to love and be loved. We want to release the struggle in our lives and replace it with harmony and balance. We are ready to make the shift from surviving to thriving.

Since 1985 I have been a Life Coach helping people to make this shift. I have seen first hand what works and doesn't work, what brings success and what postpones success. From my years of observation I have found one tool that makes the biggest difference to people's successful transformation. It is self-compassion.

Self-compassion is something that most of us rarely think about. In fact, "What exactly is self-compassion?" might be your first thought. Self-compassion is a subtle state, one we easily overlook or disregard. We have been taught to have compassion for other people, but there's a good chance we never have been told to have compassion for ourselves—and never have been taught how to do it!

I'd like you to assume right now that self-compassion is your natural state; it is your birthright. Self-compassion is a gentle state because it is so subtle and quiet, and it is a warrior's state because it is so powerful for making life changes. To experience self-compassion, take a moment to close your eyes, and with each of your next three breaths, silently say the following words: "Sweet me". Then do it again, this time looking gently for the tiniest, most microscopic sensations of sweetness emanating through you. Then do it once more.

Self-compassion does not have loud bells and whistles. It does not have strong sensations at all. It is tiny and subtle. Microscopic. And it is the most powerful tool for transformation you might ever find. Self-compassion is having sweetness for yourself, no matter what else you might be experiencing. When you are worried, close your eyes and let Sweet Me fall into you like leaves drifting to the ground. When you are sad, let Sweet Me settle alongside the sadness. When you are hurt, frightened or angry, let Sweet Me emanate through you while you feel that emotion. Intense emotion sometimes unbalances us—not because there is anything innately unbalancing in the emotion itself but because the emotion occurs in an environment void of self-compassion. Open to the tiniest sweetness for yourself as that emotion occurs, and you will notice a shift toward balance. You will begin to feel safer and more alive.

Our spirit is made of love and compassion. Sweetness. When we open to self-compassion by saying "Sweet me", we open a door to Spirit. It is the compassion of our spirit that is emanating within us. That compassion is unconditional; we don't have to do anything to deserve it or create it. Our only job is to let ourselves have it.

Without self-compassion we struggle, finding fault and rejecting ourselves in our efforts to become something better. That self-rejection hurts us and holds us back from thriving, intensifying our feeling of being separate from the goodness we seek. As we open to self-compassion, we automatically feel more acceptance of ourselves as we are. We can still choose to make changes in our personality or in the circumstances of our lives, but how we do it makes a difference. With self-rejection we create changes that keep us chasing well-being; with self-compassion we create changes that increase our well-being.

© Copyright 2001, Martia Nelson