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Letting Go of Regrets

By Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

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Go !

Plan a ceremony in which you will get rid of the paper.

There are many possibilities. You could row out to the middle of a lake, drop the paper over the side and watch as it floats for a moment and then sinks deep below the surface. You could put the paper into a shredder and watch it cut it into a zillion pieces. How about just flushing it down the toilet or burning it? Then too, you could always get a shovel and bury it! But be careful you don't turn around and put a marker to let you know where it is. That would make it too easy to dig up again!

Acknowledge your readiness to let go.

As you think about how you will let go of the paper and the regret it represents, I recommend you plan to say something right before doing it. The sentence I generally suggest is, "I am ready to release my regret that . . ." and then complete the sentence. For example, you might say, "I am ready to release my regret that I didn't treat my friend more kindly." Or it might be something like, "I am ready to release my regret that my child has not done what I wanted her to do." You can say this either to yourself (if you might be embarrassed by having someone hear you) or out loud (in which case, you might even shout it).

Say good-bye.

You're ready, you're set, and now it's time to do it! As you take the real or imaginary paper and prepare to get rid of it by whatever means you've chosen, first use the sentence that indicates you're ready to do it and then add a simple "Good-bye regret" . . . "Good-bye dream" . . . "Good-bye expectation."

Embrace your freedom.

As you release the paper and watch it disappear -- taking the image of your regret with it -- let yourself fully experience the inner peace and calm that comes from giving up regrets and accepting life exactly as it has turned out to be.

Welcome the Future

Once you forgive yourself and turn away from burdensome regrets of the past, it rather seems to me that now you need to have the optimism of a farmer. In the springtime, when the rich earth is ready, he plows the fields and sows the seeds which hold promise of new life. The seeds will mature just as he hopes IF there are enough gentle rains and warm sunny days.

Just as the farmer doesn't have control over the conditions needed for his seeds to grow properly, however, you, too, can't predict if all your plans will come true. Nevertheless, without setting your sights on a future goal, you won't be able to get there, even if the conditions turn out to be just right.

Therefore, to plant your own seeds of hope, consider what you would like to do with your newly released energy. You might want to move in a whole new direction that would not have been possible when you clung to regrets of the past. Or you may choose to simply make time each day to appreciate what you have right now.

In any case, what could be your goal, the seed you can plant for the future, no matter how long that future may be or whether conditions will be perfect for growing your seed into a dream?

When you know what that goal will be, reinforce your turn from the past to the future with a sentence or two. Just as you used words to help you bury, burn, tear up, flush, or in some other way get rid of the past, there are words you can use to help welcome the future. And continuing with the farming metaphor, we might say the sentences are the fertilizer that can make the seed of hope grow.

The following are examples of words that can strengthen your resolve to change hope into reality.

"I look forward to spending less energy feeling guilty about the past.". . . "I welcome the opportunity of accepting my child just as she is and not as I expected her to be." . . . "I want to use what I have learned from my mistakes to make wise decisions." . . . "I intend to use whatever talents, energy and life I am given to make a difference in the lives of others." . . . "I want to write that book I've always said I would write." . . . "I want to learn how to draw."

A New and Powerful Piece of Paper

My final suggestion in the process of letting go of regrets involves another piece of paper. This one will be in a color you like very much, for on it you will write what you intend to do. You might even want to add a symbol or picture that represents your goal. Then put that paper where you will see it every day. Let it remind you that you have chosen to live a life without regret.

By the way, don't worry if your old regret pops up from time to time. Since you've given so much thought in the past to your regrets, different places in your brain have stored those images. That's why seemingly unrelated thoughts can trigger old images. What you can now do when the images are brought to mind, therefore, is to replace those old ones with the new ones you created when going through this process. For really huge regrets, you may need to repeat the process several times. Each time you'll be laying down new, more positive images to replace the old, negative images.

Keep your new paper where you can see it and always remember this . . .

While holding in your mind a powerful image of what the future COULD be, you cannot also—at that same moment—hold images of what MIGHT have been!

© Copyright 1993, Revised 2002, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT — Return to Page One