By Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

Dear Judith and Jim,

I am a 39 year-old divorcee who has been in an exclusive relationship for four years. My significant other is nine years older than myself and has been married three times. We met when neither of us were actually looking for a relationship (sometimes the best way). We have so much in common, enjoy every minute we spend together and truly love to be together. He treats me like a princess and constantly shows his love and consideration for me with the little everyday things that make a relationship so special. Sounds perfect, right?

Here is my question: Although every other aspect of our relationship is perfect, he has told me he doesn't want to marry for at least another ten years, maybe never. We live in separate homes and see each other mostly during the weekend. We talk on the phone every day and I am free to show up at his house day or night, without warning. I tell you this because trust is not an issue in our relationship. I trust him completely and don't believe he wants anyone else.

My belief is that he has issues involving intimacy and trust. He is afraid to give himself completely to anyone and make himself vulnerable to being hurt. None of his past marriages were for love and sounded more like business arrangements than loving commitments. I, on the other hand, was married for 16 years in a loving relationship with my "best friend". It fell apart the last year of that time and the damage done couldn't be fixed, but I know how truly wonderful a committed relationship can be. I want to have that in my life again. I don't think he has ever allowed himself to open up and feel that "oneness" that comes from a true partnership.

I love him very much and I know he loves me. He tells me and shows me every day. At what point do I give up on this "almost perfect" man? There is something missing in my life which I would love to have with him, but I don't know if I ever will. Should I give up hope?

In Love but Miserable

Dear ILbM,

First of all, your letter is confused. At one point you say, "trust is not an issue in our relationship" and then you say "he has issues involving intimacy and trust." If what you mean is that you don't have a trust issue, how can that be? Trust is not a one-way street. If you think it is, you are living an illusion. Trust can only be mutual. If what you mean is that you trust he wants no one else but you, then that is also partly an illusion. He wants you but not entirely. He doesn't want to live with you or to marry you. Is that because he doesn't trust himself? Perhaps. But then is he truly trustworthy? Think about it.

Also, what happened with you and your "best friend" husband that couldn't be repaired. Can best friends have a falling out? Sure. But after sixteen years? Why was there no history between you sufficient to mend the breach? Had you not faced challenges and resolved them before? Again, this smacks of some kind of illusion that was finally exposed. So how trustworthy are you?

He seems to be a best friend or at least close to it. You can show up at his house whenever. You believe he wants no one else. So what is it that is missing in your life? Is it that you are not living together? Is it that you are not married? Or is it that he will not give himself in the way that you want?

And you have been with him for four years. Presumably, you've known about this from the beginning. What are you doing with someone who will not give you what you want?

When you are clear about these questions, you will know whether to leave or stay.

And, by the way, what you may need to do is open to the possibility of creating with this man a relationship the likes of which you have never imagined. That may be the key to getting what you want, albeit in a form you've not expected.

— © Copyright, April 12, 2002, Reprinted with permission