Exploring Issues Behind Mistrust

By Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

Dear Judith and Jim,

I have been married 3 times and am 49 yrs. of age. I have 1 son from my 1st marriage. A year and a half ago, I met a wonderful man. We became friends and then lovers. About 6 mos. after meeting and seeing each other, we admitted that we felt love for each other. His business and career keeps him constantly traveling all over the US and Europe. I see him approximately 6 times a year. He was hurt by a fiancee about 4 yrs. ago. She cheated on him while he was on trips. After the discovery of her infidelity, the marriage was off and his heart was broken. It also affected his career as a [professional athlete] in a very negative way. As a result, his walls are up high and he does not feel comfortable enough to trust me enough to let me into his life and heart. He is scared that I will do the same thing to him, although I have tried to reassure him that I am true and want only him.

I have asked him if he wants me out of his life, but he says "No". He says he cares for me a great deal. When he calls or e-mails me between infrequent visits, he wonders if I have found another, or if I am cheating on him. I always reassure him that I am not, and that I want only him in my life. What can I do to gain his trust??? I want him to believe me. When we are together, it is like magic. We really click! I am always sending him e-cards or e-mails expressing my love and support for him. I don't know what to do? He has admitted that he knows that I truly love him, but he won't let his walls down. He feels that he needs to get his game back first. It is like there is no room for love while he is doing this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get. I think we are truly compatible, and that there is a chance for it to work.

Please Help

Dear Please,

First of all, you first have to respect his need to get his game back to where he needs it to be in order to feel confident. Then you need to learn more about his background—i.e. his mother, we're guessing, regarding not being able to trust women.

We assure you that the intensity of his distrust did not start with his fiancee cheating on him.

Then you have to find out if he's willing to develop an adult life with you-- one in which your behavior is judged for what it is—and not compared with or contaminated by anyone' else's.

And understand you cannot DO anything to "gain his trust." He will have to decide if he's willing to open to you or lose you. And if he will not open more fully after his game is back intact—you must think about leaving him—otherwise you will always live in the shadow of his allegiance to distrust.

We wish you well!

— © Copyright, June 14, 2002, Reprinted with permission