By Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

Dear Judith and Jim,

We were married Feb 17 this year, so we are still newlyweds, finding out about one another. He was in a relationship for 7 years, it was an on-again-off-again relationship. My husband did not see her for one year and then found out she was married when he called to see how she was doing. Even after she married she still called my husband (he wasn't my husband yet) to tell him how miserable she was. After we met she called him one time while I was at his home and he told her that he was seeing someone. She said she was happy for him but he said he could tell it made her feel bad. Only one time since then she sent him a card and it said: I'm happy for you and the best to you my dear friend.

Now, we have been married for 3 months, the last letter he got from her was 8 months ago. But just the other day he was telling me about all the cards he had to buy in April . . . his moms b-day, his daughter b-day, son-in-law's b-day etc etc, then he said Cindys b-day. Well guess who Cindy is? I said why did you have to tell me that? He said he was just commenting. To me that that was a comment was just plain insincere. I don't bring up my past husband, as a matter a fact I don't even remember his birthday. So my feelings got hurt. My husband apologized, said he was sorry and said he knew that was a sensitive area for me and he needs to be more careful. Well my questions are: Should I be that sensitive? Should he be remembering his x- girlfriend's birthday? This is really preventing true intimacy for me. To give you a little more background my x -husband left me because he was still in love with his first wife. So I know that is a sensitive area for me. But I think sometimes my husband may still think of Cindy, although he reassures me he never does. I am unable to completely trust. Seven years is a long time to be involved with someone. How do I know he is completely over her????

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

It is our position that it is emotional cheating for married people to send birthday cards, etc to exes of any kind. Therefore we think you have reason to feel hurt. On the other hand your husband told you about the card for Cindy so he is not doing is behind your back. The question is-why does he feel the need to do it? And why are you obsessed with her? Both of your experiences need to be sorted out-with one another and/or with a marital counselor.

As we've said again and again and again . . . trust is built, through tests and proving that a person is trustworthy. To trust your husband completely will take time. Fantasy would have us believe that "complete" trust happens just because we fall in love. That is nonsense. Falling in love gives us the basis to go forward and build a deep and enduring trust. This situation with his ex is an opportunity to take both of you through a trust test. That is what these kinds of conflicts and crises can do. It is a chance to get to know one another more deeply and pledge an even deeper commitment. So use this opportunity to bring you closer together. That is the surest way his ex will leave his consciousness, thereby making more room for you in him.

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Trust is multi-dimensional. If you want to now more about the levels of trust, please go to Chapter 7 in our first book, The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences.*

[* NOTE: By clicking on the title and buying this book from Amazon.com, you help support LPO.]

— © Copyright, April 26, 2002, Reprinted with permission

For more on this topic, see When is Contact With an Ex Not Emotional Cheating?