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The Mourning Process

Contributed by Patty Paul

After Patty lost her husband a few years ago, she forwarded to her friends several e-mails that had given her comfort in her grief. I am glad to include this in our commentary on life because it has a message for all of us. — Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT, Editor-in-Chief

Many years ago, a friend of mine, Alice, was widowed in her mid-twenties and suddenly went into a very deep depression. Not talking to people, not answering her phone, etc. She told me that the worst part of it was that everyone was asking her how she was, and telling her "it" would get better! That comment so interrupted the mourning process that she was failing emotionally.

Finally, a friend of her mother's, widowed for several years, came to her apartment and banged on the door until Alice let her in. The woman made tea, sat down, and explained to Alice that, no, it would not get better, but she would! She said that all my friend was feeling was the mourning process and, while her sense of loss might never leave her, life would continue.

She would be not be sad and pained all day every day, but would actually begin to laugh at something — and not feel guilty. She would feel the awful parts less constantly, would begin to be sad only now and then during the day. She would eventually grow to feel the sadness and loss on anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc., but finally the pain itself would fade and she would be left with only the wonderful memories of having loved and been loved! All of these things would come to her only if she admitted that she was still alive — and that she could go on living!

Alice listened to this woman's voice of experience, took her advice and came out of her cocoon of pain. She went off to Europe for a few months to, as she said, "not be around people who were feeling sorry for her all the time — as it was contagious!"