Cancer Jokes Archive Five

Please Note: These jokes are reprinted with permission from the CancerOnline.org website that is no longer active. If you haven't yet read Lots of Cancer Jokes or Does Cancer Have a Sense of Humor, please do so first. Macabre jokes are not to everyone's taste.

The Hospital of the Future?

A large cancer hospital ran into financial difficulties, so the board hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could do it without having any negative impact on patient care.

The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with "unnecessary" big expenses like salaries. How? He would create several complex machines that could take over some of the nursing jobs, like going into the patients' rooms to check on vital signs. A special machine would be hooked up to each patient and it would convey temperature, blood pressure, and so forth -- without any nurses needing to see the person lying in the bed. Periodically a bell would ring in the room to remind the patient to fill out an electronic form that asked how he or she were feeling. Only if there were no answer would a nurse need to go in and check further.

But the consultant's greatest plan was to create a completely automated radiology department. This was quite important because radiation therapy is a large part of cancer treatment. So with great skill he designed the world's first staff-less radiology department. Patients would be wheeled to the door by low-paid orderlies and placed on a conveyor belt, which carried them into a large room where the x-ray machine and various other types of equipment were located.

With precise measurements and the use of elaborate computers the exact amount of radiation would be given to each patient precisely where it was needed. In fact, the consultant had thought of everything. He realized that this would be a new experience for patients and thus designed an added feature to assure them that they were safe. Therefore, the last thing the human attendant had to do was to insert a cassette into a player that was coordinated with each step of the procedure. Then a gentle, reassuring voice would explain how each part of the process was designed to work perfectly.

The day the new equipment was installed and the first patient rolled into the room, everything worked as planned, that is, until the conveyor belt stopped for a long time just when a patient was directly under the radiation machine.

This was also just when the voice on the tape said, "Now lie quietly and still. This new improved system is perfectly safe. Nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . ."

Contributed by Arlene Harder, former CancerOnline.org Executive Director

Need a Hobby?

Anyone whose life has been invaded by a diagnosis of cancer -- diagnostic tests, doctor appointments, chemotherapy and radiation treatment, side effects, uncertain outcome, and changes in plans for a healthy future -- will appreciate an e-mail with this story.

At a prostate cancer meeting, we were all asked for the negatives and positives about having prostate cancer. I said, "Well, I had just retired when I got prostate cancer and I would say that when you have prostate cancer, you don't need a hobby!"

Contributed by Don Greggs

Three Choices for Eternity

A very arrogant oncologist, Dr. Stoneheart, dies and goes straight to Hell. On arrival the Devil says, "I'm going to give you three choices, which is more than you ever gave your patients. Whichever door you choose will be how you'll spend eternity."

So the doctor opens the first door and sees a mob of people sitting on a floor covered with spikes. He goes to the next door and sees a humongous crowd of sinners lying down in maggots. At the third door, there is a throng of people chatting happily and drinking coffee, although they are up to their knees in manure.

"Thank God," he exalts, "It smells terrible, but least I could drink coffee and be able to talk to people."

He enters and joins the group. He is about to sip his first coffee when a loudspeaker announces, "Coffee break is over. Back to standing on your heads!"

Idea contributed by Nora Gordon, Lung cancer

No Stress Wanted

I was telling a friend about our cancer support group. As I described members and their cancers, she faced away from me and said, "I don't want to hear about it. Anything negative puts me under stress, and that's not good for my health."

Behind her was the kitchen. I said, "There's smoke coming out of your kitchen. Do you want to hear about it?

"I told you I don't want any negative news. It stresses me. Let the damn house burn down!"

By Sydney Love

Refusing Treatment

A woman with terminal cancer returns to religion with fervor. She knows that God will help her get better.

Early in her sickness, a surgeon proposes radical surgery.

"No", she says, "I don't want to get mutilated and suffer pain. It's not necessary, God will help me".

A while later, she sees a radiologist and he proposes radiation to treat the tumor, which by now is uncomfortably large. "No", she says, "I don't want radiation burns inside and out. It's not necessary. God will help me."

A year later, the cancer has metastasized. It's painful and she is referred to an oncologist. Chemotherapy is advised. "No", she says, "I don't want to be sick all the time and lose my hair as well. It's not necessary. God will help me".

Soon after, she dies. She goes to Heaven and demands an audience with God. "Why didn't you help me?," she whines.

"What do you mean? I sent you help three times: a surgeon, a radiologist and an oncologist. What more did you want?"

Idea contributed by Dan Millstein, Counselor to cancer support groups