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Cancer Jokes Archive Three

Please Note: These jokes are reprinted with permission from the CancerOnline.org website that is no longer active. If you haven't yet read Lots of Cancer Jokes or Does Cancer Have a Sense of Humor, please do so first. Macabre jokes are not to everyone's taste.

Cat Catastrophe

A lady with bone cancer had trouble getting to sleep at night because of the pain. To make matters worse, her tomcat's yowling would wake her up just as she fell asleep. "I don't need this," she raged. She had the tomcat neutered.

A few months later she found an ancient lantern up in her attic. Just for kicks, she rubbed it. Immediately a giant genie appeared and offered her three wishes. First, she wished to be cancer free. It was done. Next, she wished to be young. It was done. Amazed, she asked for the third and final wish. "Bring me a handsome young prince." The genie looked around and the only living thing in sight was her cat, which he immediately transformed into a handsome young prince. She swooned into the prince's arms. When she awoke, the prince said, "Darling, I'll always be at your side, but aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

© Copyright 1999, Syd Love

A Unique Irish Celebration

Hearts are lightened with a punch line that we know isn't true -- but wish someone really said. When we retell such stories, the basic facts of our challenges may not change, but we can face them more easily. That's why we give to you on a funny story which appeals to my Irish ancestry. It was sent to CancerOnline by Patty Paul, the caregiver of a cancer patient and one of our board members.

An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month."

Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting. Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Mike's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mike told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers.

After his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."

Mike replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.

— Author Unknown

A Doctor's Prognosis

Doctor: The tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have six months to live.

Patient: But, doc, I can't pay off my medical bills in six months.

Doctor: In that case, you have six months more.

© Copyright 1999, Syd Love

Wouldn't it be wonderful if not having money could increase your prognosis? Being poor would be a genuine blessing.

Telephone Tag

A doctor calls a patient to report on a bone scan and biopsy. The patient is out so the doctor leaves a message to call. As usual, no medical details are left.

After a day of telephone tag, the doctor and the patient finally get together on the phone.

Says the doctor in a matter of fact voice, "I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?"

"The good news."

"OK. The reports say that your cancer has metastasized all over and that you have 48 hours to live."

"You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?"

"Well, the bad news is that I tried to call you yesterday."

Idea contributed by Linda Wiley, breast cancer

The Ups and Downs of Penile Implants

A man became impotent due to removal of his cancerous prostate. His urologist recommended a penile implant, which can readily pumped up when an erection is needed.

"You can have a regular grade plastic implant, or a harder one. The latter gives a better erection, but your penis may be hard to tuck away when it's not inflated," said the doctor.

"Well, I don't want to be embarrassed in public, so give me the regular grade."

A few months later he came back to the doctor with a penis all bent out of shape. "My word," said the doctor, "You must have had a rough time!"

"Yes," said the patient, "After a year of no erections, my partner and I were as eager as newlyweds. I think I need the harder implant."

Six months later, he returned with a sorrier looking penis. The doctor exclaims, "Not again! Who is the woman who can do this to you? I've never seen the likes of it."

The doctor was determined to succeed, so he put in a stainless steel implant. A year later, he ran into the man at a party and asked him how the implant was working.

"My love life is fantastic, doc, but I have one problem. I can't get past the metal detector at the airport.

Contributed by Vic Librizzi, Colonectomy