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Why Caregivers Don't Take Time for Themselves

By Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

There are lots of reasons caregivers focus only on their caregiving

For six months you've been the primary caregiver for a loved one (spouse, lover, parent, grandparent, child, sibling, in-law, friend) and you have no idea how much longer the situation is going to continue. While some weeks have been a little easier than others, the accumulation of stress is starting to get to you. You feel tired and worn out day after day. Friends tell you to take better care of yourself, but you don't. Why? Perhaps you can see yourself in this quote from Leonard Felder, Ph.D., author of When a Loved One is Ill: How to Take Better Care of Your Loved One, Your Family and Yourself.

"Unfortunately, most people react to the illness of a loved one as if it were a fifty-yard dash, when in fact it's more like a marathon. You need to pace yourself and get sustenance or you will collapse long before the finish line. You need to look closely at the support and nourishment you will require to stay healthy for your loved one's benefit over the long haul."

The following, based in part on ideas from Felder's book, lists some of the reasons caregivers give for not taking better care of themselves. Have you been heard to say to yourself or others? . . .

"I'm just plain too busy to go to out to lunch with a friend or to a movie."

"My mother needs me."

"If I'm not there to take good care of him all the time, he won't get better."

"Life without her would be terribly empty and if I slowed down I might have to feel the pain of losing her."

"It's self-indulgent for me to be out enjoying myself when my loved one can't come with me."

"People will think I'm not a good wife if I put my own needs ahead of those of my family."

"I was taught that a man should be able to handle his problems by himself, even during a time of crisis."

"My parents made sacrifices for me when I was little and now it's only right for me to sacrifice for them."

"My spouse (or lover) and I have an unspoken agreement that if one of us becomes ill the other will be there 100% with no questions asked."

"I've never known how to relax and now I don't have time to learn how."

How taking care of yourself helps your love one

You can probably add other statements of your own to show why you can't take time for yourself. While there is a certain seductiveness to being needed, let me suggest how you might look at the situation a little differently:

Our truest gifts to others come freely from reserves of love that lie deep within.

If you think of the caring work you do for your loved one as pouring nourishing energy out of a pitcher filled with love, imagine what would happen if the pitcher ran dry. Taking time to replenish inner resources can give you the strength to keep going over the long haul.

All objects—including your body—will break under enough pressure.

What if your body falls apart? What if you ignore a cold and it turns into pneumonia? What if you refuse to take the time to see a doctor or chiropractor when you get a strained back and then have to take several weeks recuperating flat on your back? Will your being sick help your loved one feel better?

By taking time for yourself, you can rediscover meaning and purpose in your life.

That will allow you to return to your caregiving with greater direction—and often with answers that eluded you when you were under stress.

We all do things that bother other people.

Being members of the human race, we simply can't help it. These quirks of behavior may not be serious flaws in our character, but they can sure annoy the heck out of people we love—whether the person with a quirk is caregiver or the one being cared for. Unless you get some distance between you and the person you care for day in and day out, the little habits you both have can drive you both crazy and unnecessarily irritable.

There is value in having someone come in to relieve you.

The person who will take your place, if your loved one absolutely can't be left alone, will have had different experiences and a different perspective on life. He or she will interact with your loved one in ways you may not have thought of. We all need some variety in relationships and your absence can provide that variety for your loved one simply by having a new person around the house.

Experiences you have outside the home will add depth to your care.

You will find that when the focus of your life expands beyond taking care of someone else because you have outside interests, it will give you and your loved one something to talk about besides how the disease is or is not improving.

© Copyright 1997, Revised 2002, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT