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My Cancer Ordeal: A Time of Renewal

By Marcia London Albert, Ph.D., Director of the Learning Resource Center at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles

I have asked myself how I was able to survive my cancer ordeal. I have pondered this significant question because I think there is no easy or quick answer or formula. My cancer experience was the darkest period of my life. However, I believe that my belief in God's goodness and a belief that I have an opportunity to be part of God's creation of the world through acts of kindness toward others sustains me, and helps me to continually work toward healing myself and others. These beliefs have added a new dimension to my life, and given me the strength to deal with the difficult and the unexplainable.

At the time I was given the diagnosis of breast cancer, my insensitive surgeon also indicated that he was certain that the cancer had spread. At that instant, I believed in my heart that I had much more living to experience, and that my two teenage daughters needed me. It was during that year that my belief in God, and my personal experience of Judaism underwent a major transformation. I also developed the ability to create interdependent relationships with my family (my mother and sister have been very loving and supportive in my life, my mentor (a very significant person in my life), my therapist, my close friends, and colleagues. I learned to believe that although life may be difficult, there is always hope that life will be better.

It is my belief that there is a strong connection between emotional health, spiritual wellness and physical well being. There is research that suggests that the body's immune system functions less effectively when experiencing stress. Further, people who experience psychosocial support are better able to survive their cancer ordeal and in some instances, live a longer and healthier life. Specifically, Dr. David Spiegel of Stanford University found that women with metastatic breast cancer who participated in a one-year support group lived significantly longer than women who received similar medical treatment without a support group.

There is research that reports that cancer patients may view their illness as a "turning point," a "red flag." Patients report that at the time of their illness they experience a profound need to make some important life changes in order to survive this ordeal.

I genuinely believe that was true in my case. At the time of my cancer diagnosis, surgery, and chemotherapy, I filed for a divorce. I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of my problems, financial, emotional, and physical. Both of my children experienced serious emotional problems, resulting in one daughter serving a jail sentence.

Because of the severe financial difficulties, I was forced to work three part-time teaching/counseling positions in order to support my daughters and myself. My ex-husband was a gambling addict, and due to his many debts, we were forced to sell our home and use all of our assets to pay his debts (California is a community state, and all debts from one spouse are considered a couple's responsibility).

In my particular situation I experienced a great deal of personal loss and felt overwhelmed by my life situation. During this period of time, I experienced a clinical depression, and was extremely despondent. I expressed my personal anger toward the universe and believed God had abandoned me.

It was at this point that I experienced a great hunger for spiritual nourishment. A fundamental feature of Jewish spiritual healing is bikur cholim (visiting the sick), which corresponds to two of the greatest burdens of contemporary life: isolation and lack of community. At a time of illness, bikur cholim offers us the comfort of human connection and interdependence and a sense of community we so desperately need. By participating in a spiritual support group, involving myself in the Wellness Community [a free support program for cancer patients and their families], and serving as a volunteer in the Jewish community, I reaffirmed a personal sense of connection and purpose with others and God. Judaism teaches that each of us is visited by God's presence when we are ill, which we may interpret as feeling a sense of hope, care, and protection. By visiting the sick and helping others, I freed myself from the feelings of fear, hopelessness, and isolation I had experienced when stricken by cancer.

I also had not dealt with the painful death of my Father. I was a young adolescent when he had died of cancer. My personal experience of surviving cancer, coupled with the very sad memory of watching my Father suffer terribly, and die at the age of fifty, fueled my intense desire to explore my belief system and search my religion for spiritual understanding of the unexplainable -- the nature of suffering and tragedy.

It would be so simplistic to view suffering as punishment for our wrongs. It is the response to human suffering that teaches us about our inner self. Y'shurin shel ahavah teaches us that spiritual maturity comes through confrontation with the real hard issues of living.

These spiritual insights enabled me to appreciate that I live in a meaningful universe and that my life matters. The most difficult exploration was a search of traditional Jewish texts concerning the causes and consequences of illness and death. I have struggled with the various Jewish interpretations. Although my search will remain life-long, I am comforted by the writings of Rabbi Harold Kushner (a father who lost a son from a debilitating illness at a very young age), who has written many books concerning human suffering and the meaning of tragedies. I believe that people experience illness and tragedy because that is the nature of the human condition. However, I also believe that each human being has a spark of the Divine Presence and through acts of loving kindness we can create a better world for all of us.

I am now almost five years cancer free and thank God for each day.

Both of my children are thriving and give me great joy. I am currently working at a medical school and feel very blessed that I have the opportunity to share my beliefs concerning physical, emotional, and spiritual healing with my colleagues, students and patients.

The personal experience of coping and surviving a major life experience, such as becoming ill with cancer, is unique for each person. I hope that through sharing this part of my life's journey you will find the inspiration and strength needed to help yourself in the healing process.

© Copyright, 1998, Marcia London Albert, Ph.D.