He Hit Me Back First! -- Use of the Will

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Use of the Will

From He Hit Be Back First!: Development of the Will in Children for Making Choices*, Revised Edition, printed by Jalmar Press, (800) 662-9662, blwjalmar@att.net, reprinted with permission.

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Because of the misunderstanding that discipline and will repressed creativity and spontaneity, the use of the will has been on the back burner in recent times. Today, as the stories above [in the book] illustrate, there is an attempt to reinstate its use as a positive force in our lives. In the desire to help children learn responsibility for behavior, both parents and teachers are offering more structured forms of discipline that firmly present the consequences of choices.

However, we must be careful not to confuse real will with Victorian willpower, warns Ferrucci. "The fact that many people have been calling 'will' what was actually self-restraint should not tempt us to throw out the baby of true will with the bath water of Victorian self-denial." Ferrucci gives us this encouraging statement: "We can clear up this misunderstanding as soon as we realize that the real function of the will is to direct, not to impose.'' (1-see below)

To direct, not to impose. A powerful concept, but difficult to manifest. Is it possible to teach a child to direct his own will without imposing?

Assagioli, founder of psychosynthesis, suggests four stages, or processes of willing, through which one may achieve freedom, self-realization, and right relationships with others: (2-see below)

1) gaining knowledge of one's personality

2) achieving control of its various elements

3) realizing one's true self-the discovery or creation of a unifying center

4) achieving psychosynthesis-the formation or reconstruction of the personality around the new center

The third stage, realization of one's true self, arises from the experience of self-control that comes from making choices. If we do not have the opportunity to make choices, we are unable to experience our own will (the source of all choices) or realize our true self. Through experiencing the consequences of our choices, we come to see who we really are.

When choices are externally imposed, as in the examples of the authoritarian approach to discipline, they no longer remain free choices. Instead of nourishing the self, they evoke adaptive behavior based on fear, or rebellious behavior based on resentment. When imposed choices are the only ones offered, the child becomes dependent on outside authorities for the determination of his values. While the imposed will may serve as a model for a short time, its beneficial effects do not last. If an externally imposed will is the only language a child understands, then we must speak in that language while we are in the process of teaching the new language-one of self-correction.

Ferrucci, too, warns of the problems that may arise without the experience of choice. When the individual will is not recognized or developed (as in the "just love them" approach to discipline) or "is violated in a consistent and enduring way. . .pain and illness arise. And, because the will is the faculty closest to our self, when it is infringed upon the hurt goes all the way to the core." (3-see below) When this happens it can have fearful consequences for the self and for society as a whole.

Consider the abused child, the battered wife, or any other suppressed individual or group(s). Neither the will nor the choice-making process within them has been recognized or developed. The message has been given that they are not capable or worthy enough to be allowed a choice, resulting in a denial of self so deep that release from the pain through some form of violent destruction is almost inevitable.

The spoiled, over-indulged, over-protected child must also be considered to be a part of this group. When an individual, child or adult, is constantly being rescued, i.e., "I'll do it for you," he is also being given a strong yet subtle message that he is "not capable of doing it" and "I can do it better than you." Again, the consequence of such treatment is a gradual erosion of one's sense of self-worth, contributing to a negative belief system. Do help the child to be responsible for his own needs as much as possible, while continuing to be supportive and showing your belief in his ability to behave responsibly.It is the real will, then, that must be challenged, channeled, and brought forth into service if the child is to learn to make choices that will nurture self-esteem, enhance the process of self-discipline, and lead to the fulfillment of his inner potential.

(1) Piero Ferrucci, What We May Be (Los Angeles: J. P. Tarcher, Inc., 1982), p. 77.

(2) Roberto Assagioli, Psychosynthesis (New York: Viking Press, 1965), p. 21.

(3) Ferruci, op. cit., p. 74.