He HIt Me Back First! -- Choice

Choice

From He Hit Be Back First!: Development of the Will in Children for Making Choices*, Revised Edition, printed by Jalmar Press, (800) 662-9662, blwjalmar@att.net, reprinted with permission.

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My feelings of freedom and awareness of choice contrasted sharply with the lack of awareness exhibited by the children. They were unaware that they, too, had choices and an inner wisdom they could draw upon to guide their daily actions. Children today are caught in a confusion of choices: they are confronted with the most fundamental questions of values and purpose: "How do I choose?" "By whose authority do I choose?" "What happens when I choose?" Such choices are frightening, for they require the child in a sense to create his own identity.

Parents and teachers also are caught in this confusion of choices, especially in regard to discipline and the use of will. This confusion is illustrated by the story of a family living in nearby suburbia who left their fifteen-year-old daughter with friends while they went out of town for the weekend. The parents had made earlier arrangements with the friends, but failed to check with them before leaving town. In the meantime, the daughter had spread the word around school that her parents would be gone, so "Come to my house for a party."

Fifty to sixty teenagers showed up, proceeded to get drunk on liquor from the family's well-stocked cabinet and "trashed" the house, throwing furniture into the swimming pool, using spray paint on the rugs, knocking holes in walls, and breaking valuable art objects.

Shocked and angry on their return, the parents imposed severe restrictions on their daughter. Other parents objected that they were too strict, while a few supported the restrictions. Since this behavior wasn't new to the community, a group of parents, teachers, and school administrators met. Once again, there was the conflict between the non-interfering, "do-your-own-thing" approach and the severe, externally imposed authoritarian approach. Once again, confusion had led to two extremes of discipline: permissiveness and authoritarianism. Each is used with good intent but with poor results.