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Reflections From a Woman Alone

By Corinne Edwards, reprinted with permission

The inside dust jacket of Reflections From A Woman Alone: A Lighthearted Look at a Journey Toward Wholeness (Haseldon 2001) gives this very accurate description: "A natural storyteller and humorist, Corinne Edward welcomes you to her world in this unapologetic memoir about rediscovering herself and realizing her true feminine power as a single woman. Sharing letters she wrote to family members and friends after the death of her husband, Edwards allows readers to eavesdrop on her most intimate thoughts, fear, regrets, and realizations about surviving heartbreak and adjusting to life on her own. She invites as many laughs as tears in disclosing personal revelations about grief, growth, and divine guidance."

Introduction

Please Note: I recommend you read this piece if for no other reason than the delightful poem at the end of the page.

This book seems to be about a middle-aged widow making the adjustment to single life. But it isn’t. Not really. Although it opens just after my husband’s death, it is not about grieving. He had been ill for many years and had suffered so much, my grief was almost all used up by the time he left. Although I was lonely, disoriented and I missed him, it was a relief to let him go to a place where there was no more pain.

This is about women. Single women who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, car-poolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers. In short—a person trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life. I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all the same things, and if you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you. You never know when you might need a reference guide to what it’s really like out there as a single woman. And - male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to learn something about how women really think.

But this is about us. The ones who talk self-sufficiency but are furtively casting about for that guy who will defend the entrance to our cave. With all of our bravado, we are still whistling in the dark to keep ourselves safe. And no matter how successful we are, how many clothes we collect, how many pedicures we pay for, how many trips we take, how “interesting” our jobs, we cringe when we hear the question, “Are you seeing anyone?”

The secret is that we feel deficient without a man. We are apologetic to our families for being single . . . We give reasons and excuses to our friends . . . (there’s NOBODY out there) and we put pieces of our life on hold until “he” comes along. I wasn’t that aware of how prevalent this is until my husband died. I had been married for quite a while.

And this did not start out to be a collection of letters and poetry. I wrote the prologue poem, “You only get a minute/ the stone has not been set / before you hear the question/ “Are you seeing someone yet?” just for fun. I could not believe that people would ask me a question like that almost immediately after my husband’s death. It made me frantic. Panicky! Desperate. I had to replace this man. Plug up the hole. And, I mean, NOW. Don’t think I am exaggerating when you read that at 3:00 A.M., I was counting how many men I knew whose wives were sick and were likely to die soon. Who could admit to such a shameless thing? But, you see, I didn’t know you were going to be reading this. I was writing for me. Kind of an exorcism. Poetry was the way I got my feelings out.

The poems grew and grew. One day, I shared them with my friend, Arlene. She said, “Make a book. The poems tell the inside story. Tell what is happening on the outside in your everyday life.” Then she made the suggestion that I share my journey in letters because everyone is an eavesdropper at heart. And there is something exciting about getting letters in the mail. E-mail and the telephone just aren’t the same.

So Arlene’s to blame for this whole thing.

Will this book change your life? Are there big answers for you here? Probably not. If you are looking for a how-to book, or some life changing strategies, this is not it. I promise you if I discover something pivotal, I’ll let you know. This book is one woman’s story. My story - entwined with family, friends, lovers and assorted drop-ins. A voyage from numbness to rebirth and from confusion to some clarity—with a lot of detours! Addresses and some names have been changed and events have been altered to protect privacy. But what I found, and what you might find here is the awareness that we women, no matter what age, situation or color, are more alike than different. There is some comfort in that.

The inspirational books we read send a thunderous message. Nothing and no one outside ourselves can save us. Not even a soul mate. Serenity and peace cannot be found except in our own hearts. I believe that realization is our ultimate target. But most of us are not there yet. Glimpses—even epiphanies come and then seem to vanish on this roller coaster ride we signed up for. However, in between the hair pin turns and the high sky dives, it’s helpful to know where we are going.

If there is one message in this book, it is this: The most powerful instrument women have is our intuitive talent for nurturing, whether in our homes or our businesses. We must broaden our vistas to include more women with our support. We need to help each other more. This is not a rally to exclude men. Bless them. We need them. But we could steal a page or two from their ol’ boy network manual.

Our experience can support a new mother who is determined to nurse a baby successfully Our wisdom can reach out to mentor a woman who is challenged with a personal or career decisions. A favor done at just the right time can make all the difference. In many instances, it is enough to just be there and listen. The best thing about talking to girlfriends is that we permit each other’s difficulties to remain unsolved. Even if we say, “Quit that job, “ or “Get rid of that jerk,” we allow each other the option of taking no action on a problem at this time. Ultimately, we know what to do. We appreciate direction but don’t need advice. We just need someone to hear us out..

So now, after saying that, I am going to give you some advice. No matter what your situation this minute, it is possible to survive whatever heartbreak and loneliness you are feeling today. What they say about time healing wounds is true. But how much time is involved is up to you and not some psychological calendar. It takes as long as it takes. I can’t tell you at which point I started turning into myself but it did and still is happening. You can’t hurry it. Don’t let anyone tell you when.

And if there is a right person—a soul mate—I think he will show up for us at the perfect time, which is somehow not determined by us. We just have to follow our intuition and be alert to what is around the next bend on the roller coaster. Neale Donald Walsch, in his beautiful book, Conversations with God, recounts that the most important question we can ask in any situation is “What would love do now?” I have those words taped on my computer screen. That guidance holds up under most circumstances. Remember to include your own happiness and welfare when you answer that question.

Some famous authors were kind enough to give me endorsements for my book. I am grateful. But there were comments from women, ordinary people like you and me, that are also encouraging. Linda, who is 38, said, “It’s all here. I laughed. I cried.” Dawn, 29, wrote, “I could not put this book down.” And Susan, 48, called to say, “I thought you had been reading my mail!” Different ages. Different situations. We are all writing the same story.

Thanks for listening to my story. You may find some of your mail here. I hope it will make you know you are not alone. My mother’s favorite expression was, “In the light of all Eternity, most things don’t matter.” She was probably right but it sure feels important today. I’d like to add something. Even if that is true, go for the gold anyway! Every way you can. And everyday. Because you are a beautiful, extraordinary woman—with or without a man. And you have a unique contribution to make—to yourself and to your world.

PROLOGUE

You only get a minute.

The stone has not been set.

Before you hear the question,

“Are you seeing someone yet?”

You have not filed the insurance,

transferred a single bond,

before they sing the litany,

“Remember, life goes on.”

It’s not the lonely evenings

that strike terror in your breast.

It’s the envelopes that come addressed

to “Ms. You and your Guest”

The dilemma’s not in grieving

or even what to wear

but where you find a body

to escort you to affairs.

They say you're far too fussy.

There is nothing much out there.

They use as their criteria

if a man can breathe and stare.

I’d run away to Tonga,

Abu Dhabi or Tibet,

but I know that someone there would ask,

“Are you seeing someone yet?”

If you find yourself a widow,

start wailing right away.

You only get a minute

before you have to play.

© Copyright by Corinne Edwards, 2001. Visit her website to learn more.